"Question…?” from Midnights
"Question...?" captures exactly how ruminating thoughts can hold you hostage. The endless loops of asking yourself "questions" is so relatable to anyone who’s ever been stuck in their head, replaying every little moment like it’s a bad movie they can’t turn off. Questioning every decision, every move, every word. This song is a reminder that ruminating thoughts will keep you stuck if you let them, and the only way out is to stop giving them the power to keep running the show.
"Illicit Affairs" from Folklore
This song breakdown is about the affair I had with my addiction—the intoxicating pull, the lies I told myself, and the parts of me I gave away without even realizing it. It reminds me of the time I lost to that betrayal—the promises broken, the lines crossed, the pieces of my life that scattered like shattered glass.
But it also reminds me of the strength it took to come back, to face the wreckage and start rebuilding. Addiction breaks you into a million little pieces, but recovery is about picking up each one, no matter how sharp or painful, and putting yourself back together again. It’s messy, it’s hard, and it’s worth every single step.
"The Black Dog" from TTPD
This song delves deep into the complex emotions tied to my affair and its aftermath, revealing how intertwined love, betrayal, and guilt have been in my journey. The lyrics echo the ongoing struggle to reconcile the thrill of secrecy with the pain of betrayal and the challenge of rebuilding trust in my marriage. Through this reflection, I see how the remnants of that connection continue to impact me, even as I work to move forward. It’s a reminder of the enduring power of unresolved feelings and the importance of facing them head-on, no matter how difficult it may be. The song also underscores the need for self-compassion as I navigate the path to healing and strive to reclaim my sense of self in the wake of such deep emotional turmoil.
“I Can Do It With A Broken Heart!” from TTPD
My husband always said he loved me, but our relationship was plagued by the consequences of my addiction. When things fell apart, I felt shattered, yet I kept pretending everything was fine. The need to keep up appearances while feeling broken inside is something many of us in recovery can relate to. The act of "grinning like I'm winning" while everything inside me was falling apart became a survival mechanism.
“I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)” from TTPD
Each verse and chorus reminds me of my own journey through toxic relationships and addiction. It shows the hope, denial, and finally, acceptance that I went through. This song helps me remember the importance of taking care of myself and not trying to fix others.
Looking through the lens of addiction and toxic relationships, I’ve always found dealing with unhealthy relationships harder than battling my addiction to drugs. In many ways, being addicted to a person was just as powerful and destructive. The highs and lows, the constant belief that things would get better if I tried harder. It is hard to find self-worth, acceptance, and love, but I never would have found it had I stayed in that relationship.
"The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived" from TTPD
"The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived" captures the complex emotions of betrayal, loss, and the quest for understanding in the aftermath of a toxic relationship and affair. It resonates deeply with my own experiences, highlighting the pain, the unanswered questions, and the journey toward healing.
Each verse and chorus remind me of my journey through these dark times, and the strength it takes to move forward. This song helps me articulate the complex emotions I experienced, reminding me of the importance of self-care and the dangers of sacrificing everything for someone who doesn't value you.