“I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)” from TTPD
At Swift Steps, we use lyrics and songs to reflect on our own experiences with addiction, mental health, and recovery—both mine and our members.
This week's song struck a chord with many of us, leading to some amazing discussions and insights. I want to assure you that I will never share what our members discuss because of our confidentiality promises.
However, I do gather my own thoughts before the meetings, and I’m excited to share them with you each week!
“I want to assure you that I will never share what our members discuss because of our confidentiality promises.“
This week’s song is "I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)" from TTPD.
If you wanna take a listen:
Verse 1
“The smoke cloud billows out his mouth
Like a freight train through a small town
The jokes that he told across the bar
Were revolting and far too loud”
These lines take me back to the start of my toxic relationship. His smoking, his loud and crude jokes—everyone could see the problems, but I chose to ignore them. I thought I could handle it, that I could fix him.
“I thought I could handle it, that I could fix him. ”
Chorus
“They shake their heads saying, "God, help her"
When I tell them he's my man
But your good Lord doesn't need to lift a finger
I can fix him, no, really I can
And only I can”
People around me would shake their heads and worry when they saw us together. They knew something was wrong, but I believed I was the only one who could help him. I thought my love could change him, that I could be the one to make everything better. Everyone would shake their heads when they saw us coming because we were always fighting. Always.
Verse 2
“He could be so mean and vicious, but when he was sweet, I held on to those crumbs.”
“The dopamine races through his brain
On a six-lane Texas highway
His hand so calloused from his pistol
Softly traces hearts on my face”
The line about dopamine racing through his brain reminds me of the constant highs and lows we experienced. His hands, calloused from his pistol, softly tracing hearts on my face—those are the sweet moments made me hold on, thinking we could get through the bad times. He could be so mean and vicious, but when he was sweet, I held on to those crumbs.
Pre-Chorus
“I was blind to the reality of our situation, believing that if I proved myself worthy, he would treat me better. ”
“And I could see it from a mile away
A perfect case for my certain skillset
He had a halo of the highest grade
He just hadn't met me yet”
I saw him as someone I could fix with enough love and effort. I thought I could show him that I was worth being kind to, that my love would make him see my value. I was blind to the reality of our situation, believing that if I proved myself worthy, he would treat me better.
Looking back, I realize that these toxic relationships were even harder for me to handle than my addiction to drugs. It was like I was addicted to the person and the chaos they brought into my life.
Chorus
“They shake their heads saying, "God, help her"
“It’s like I was wearing blinders, unable to see what everyone else saw.”
When I tell them he's my man
But your good Lord doesn't need to lift a finger
I can fix him, no, really I can
And only I can”
The repeated chorus shows how I kept believing I could fix him, despite everyone’s warnings. It’s like I was wearing blinders, unable to see what everyone else saw. My belief that I could save him was strong, but it wasn’t realistic.
Bridge
“Good boy, that's right
Come close, I'll show you heaven
If you'll be an angel, all mine
Trust me, I can handle me a dangerous man
No, really I can”
I thought I could manage his problems. I thought I could handle anything he threw at me, that I could tame his wild side. It was a dangerous game, and I was fooling myself into thinking I had control. This belief led me into incredibly dangerous situations. For instance, he sold drugs out of our house, leading to us being robbed at 8 am while in bed. We were held with weapons, and he was beaten with a metal baseball bat until he gave up the drugs. Another time, I had to go to court for months because he sold illegal cable boxes, and the FBI burst in one morning with guns drawn. These experiences were terrifying and traumatic, but I stayed because I believed I could fix him.
“These experiences were terrifying and traumatic, but I stayed because I believed I could fix him.”
Chorus
“They shook their heads saying, "God, help her"
When I told them he's my man (I told them he's my man)
But your good Lord didn't need to lift a finger
I can fix him, no, really I can (no, really I can)
Whoa, maybe I can't”
“I had to face the truth that I couldn’t fix him. It was painful to admit, but it was also freeing. I realized that I needed to focus on my own life.”
The final realization, "Whoa, maybe I can't," hit me hard. Just like in the song, I had to face the truth that I couldn’t fix him. It was painful to admit, but it was also freeing. I realized that I needed to focus on my own life.
This epiphany came after I lost 100 pounds. As I gained confidence, I put more effort into our relationship than ever before. I was kinder to him and worked hard because I didn’t want anyone to think I left him just because I got thin. I didn't want that feeling of "but he loved you when you were fat!”. I was doing the most for our relationship to work and looking my best, and yet he still wasn’t changing. It was then that I knew it was never going to work out between us. The stakes were so high, the highest they had ever been. I wasn't ever really going to leave him before. Now, I was. He still wasn’t changing.
Each verse and chorus reminds me of my own journey through toxic relationships and addiction. It shows the hope, denial, and finally, acceptance that I went through. This song helps me remember the importance of taking care of myself and not trying to fix others.
Looking through the lens of addiction and toxic relationships, I’ve always found dealing with unhealthy relationships harder than battling my addiction to drugs. In many ways, being addicted to a person was just as powerful and destructive. The highs and lows, the constant belief that things would get better if I tried harder. It is hard to find self-worth, acceptance, and love, but I never would have found it had I stayed in that relationship.
“Each verse and chorus reminds me of my own journey through toxic relationships and addiction. It shows the hope, denial, and finally, acceptance that I went through. ”
Feeling connected to this reflection? Join us for our next Swift Steps meeting where we explore the emotional challenges of growth, love, and recovery. Our community is here to support you.
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