"The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived" from TTPD

At Swift Steps, we use lyrics and songs to reflect on our own experiences with addiction, mental health, and recovery—both mine and our members.

This week's song struck a chord with many of us, leading to some amazing discussions and insights. I want to assure you that I will never share what our members discuss because of our confidentiality promises.

However, I do gather my own thoughts before the meetings, and I’m excited to share them with you each week!

“I want to assure you that I will never share what our members discuss because of our confidentiality promises.“

This week’s song is "The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived" from TTPD.

If you wanna take a listen:

Verse 1

“Gazing at me starry-eyed

In your Jehovah's Witness suit

Who the fuck was that guy?

You tried to buy some pills

From a friend of friends of mine

They just ghosted you

Now you know what it feels like”

These lines take me back to the early days of my affair that ended my marriage, where everything felt like a whirlwind romance. His gaze made me feel unique and alive. But soon, his addiction and chaos surfaced. He ghosted, left me feeling abandoned and terrified, unsure if he was okay or even alive. The broken promises and the agony of not knowing were torture.

“ The broken promises and the agony of not knowing were torture.”

Chorus

“This chorus captures my anger and need for closure.”

“And I don't even want you back, I just want to know

If rusting my sparkling summer was the goal

And I don't miss what we had, but could someone give

A message to the smallest man who ever lived?”

This chorus captures my anger and need for closure. I sacrificed my marriage and stability for him, only to end up alone. I crave answers. Did he intend to ruin my life, or was he just reckless? Referring to him as "the smallest man who ever lived" emphasizes the betrayal and the realization that he never truly valued me or what I gave up for him.

“Did he intend to ruin my life, or was he just reckless? ”

Verse 2

“You hung me on your wall

Stabbed me with your push pins

“I realized too late he wasn’t the man I thought he was.”

In public, showed me off

Then sank in stoned oblivion

'Cause once your queen had come

You treat her like an also-ran

You didn't measure up

In any measure of a man”

I realized too late he wasn't the man I thought he was. His chaos and erratic behavior left me feeling alone and confused, struggling to reconcile the man I fell for with the reality of who he was.

Chorus

“And I don't even want you back, I just want to know

If rusting my sparkling summer was the goal

And I don't miss what we had, but could someone give

A message to the smallest man who ever lived?”

Revisiting the chorus, my questions remain. The anger and need for closure are strong. Understanding why he did what he did feels crucial, even though I may never get those answers. It's part of my healing process, acknowledging the pain and seeking resolution, even if it's just within myself.

Verse 3

Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?

Did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?

“These lines reflect the paranoia and distrust that plagued me. ”

Were you writing a book? Were you a sleeper cell spy?

In fifty years, will all this be declassified?

And you'll confess why you did it

And I'll say, "Good riddance"

'Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden

These lines reflect the paranoia and distrust that plagued me. Constantly questioning his motives and fearing being used was exhausting. I begged him to stop his destructive behaviors, but he persisted, leaving me in fear and uncertainty. The imagery of secrets highlights the dramatic and often irrational fears that accompany betrayal.

Verse 4

“I would've died for your sins

Instead, I just died inside

“He disrupted my life and walked away, continuing his own without consequence. ”

And you deserve prison, but you won't get time

You'll slide into inboxes and slip through the bars

You crashed my party and your rental car

You said normal girls were boring

But you were gone by the morning

You kicked out the stage lights

But you're still performing”

The sacrifice and emotional toll of the affair are palpable here. I gave up so much, hoping for a new beginning, only to be left shattered. The emotional death inside reflects the deep impact of his betrayal. His addiction and chaos caused him to disappear for months, leaving me to wonder if he was dead or alive. His ability to move on easily, leaving chaos in his wake, highlights the differences in our experiences. He disrupted my life and walked away, continuing his own without consequence.

Final Verse

“The final verse speaks to the difficulty of truly letting go.”

“And in plain sight you hid

But you are what you did

And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive

The smallest man who ever lived”

The final verse speaks to the difficulty of truly letting go. While I may move on and eventually forget the details, the impact of his actions will always be a part of my story. Forgiveness feels impossible, given the depth of the hurt and betrayal. This acknowledgment of the lasting impact helps in finding closure and peace.

Conclusion

"The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived" captures the complex emotions of betrayal, loss, and the quest for understanding in the aftermath of a toxic relationship and affair. It resonates deeply with my own experiences, highlighting the pain, the unanswered questions, and the journey toward healing.

Each verse and chorus remind me of my journey through these dark times, and the strength it takes to move forward. This song helps me articulate the complex emotions I experienced, reminding me of the importance of self-care and the dangers of sacrificing everything for someone who doesn't value you.

“This song helps me articulate the complex emotions I experienced, reminding me of the importance of self-care and the dangers of sacrificing everything for someone who doesn’t value you.”

Feeling connected to this reflection? Join us for our next Swift Steps meeting where we explore the emotional challenges of growth, love, and recovery. Our community is here to support you.

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