“Guilty As Sin” from TTPD

At Swift Steps, we use lyrics and songs to reflect on our own experiences with addiction, mental health, and recovery—both mine and our members.

This week's song struck a chord with many of us, leading to some amazing discussions and insights. I want to assure you that I will never share what our members discuss because of our confidentiality promises.

However, I do gather my own thoughts before the meetings, and I’m excited to share them with you each week!

“I want to assure you that I will never share what our members discuss because of our confidentiality promises.“

This week’s song is "Guilty As Sin" from TTPD.

If you wanna take a listen:

Verse 1

These lines are all about feeling totally overwhelmed by emotions.

"Drowning in the Blue Nile

He sent me 'Downtown Lights'

I hadn't heard it in a while

My boredom’s bone deep

This cage was once just fine

Am I allowed to cry?"

These lines are all about feeling totally overwhelmed by emotions. When Taylor says "Drowning in the Blue Nile," it's like she's stuck in really deep, dark waters, feeling super sad and lost. This reminds me of times when I’ve felt trapped in my own emotions, unable to find a way out.

The song "Downtown Lights" that Matt Healy sent to her while she was still with Joe Alwyn is like being married to Jack but missing John. It brings back all these memories and emotions, and suddenly, you realize how bored and trapped you feel. When she asks, "Am I allowed to cry?" it resonates with me because it reflects my own struggle to let myself feel and show my emotions.

When she asks, “Am I allowed to cry?” it resonates with me because it reflects my own struggle to let myself feel and show my emotions.

"I dream of cracking locks

Throwing my life to the wolves

Or the ocean rocks

Crashing into him tonight

He's a paradox

I'm seeing visions, am I bad?

Or mad? Or wise?"

When Taylor talks about having these intense dreams and desires, it hits close to home. When she says "cracking locks" and "throwing my life to the wolves" or "the ocean rocks," it shows how much she wants to escape from her struggles. I can relate to this deep urge to break free from my own challenges. The person she desires is really confusing, making her feel both drawn to them and unsure about the chaos they might bring. This mirrors my own feelings of being torn between intense desires and the fear of their consequences. When she asks, "am I bad? Or mad? Or wise?" it reflects my own attempts to understand and accept these strong feelings.

Chorus

"What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh

Only in my mind?

One slip and falling back into the hedge maze

Oh what a way to die"

This part is all about the line between what's real and what's imagined. When Taylor's thinking someone has "written 'mine' on my upper thigh" only in her mind, it shows how powerful our thoughts can be. I often find myself lost in my thoughts, imagining scenarios that feel almost real. The hedge maze represents the confusion and difficulty of dealing with these emotions, where one mistake can lead to more trouble. It’s a reminder of how our thoughts can feel very real and make us feel guilty.

"I keep recalling things we never did

Messy top lip kiss

How I long for our trysts

Without ever touching his skin

How can I be guilty as sin?"

These lines show those strong feelings and fantasies that come with addiction and mental health struggles. Wanting something you can't have can feel overwhelming. Taylor feels guilt over things that haven't even happened, which is something a lot of us deal with in recovery. It’s like feeling guilty for the things we imagine, not just the things we do. This resonates with me deeply, as it's a reminder that even our thoughts and feelings can have a big impact on our journey.

Verse 2

“I keep these longings lockеd

In lowercase, inside a vault

Somеone told me, "There's no such thing as bad thoughts

Only your actions talk"

These fatal fantasies

Giving way to labored breath, takin' all of me

We've already done it in my head

If it's make-believe

Why does it feel like a vow we'll both uphold somehow?”

This verse shows the need for control and the deep wish to escape that many of us feel. When Taylor talks about these urges, it highlights the fight between wanting to break free and feeling trapped, which creates a cycle of guilt and shame. I’ve felt this constant battle within myself, where the desire for freedom clashes with the reality of my situation.

Chorus

"What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh

Only in my mind?

One slip and falling back into the hedge maze

Oh what a way to die"

The struggle between reality and fantasy is common in addiction and mental health. When Taylor imagines someone writing "mine" on her upper thigh, it shows how vivid and powerful our thoughts can be. The hedge maze symbolizes confusion, where one wrong move can lead to more struggles. This perfectly captures my own experiences of navigating through confusing and intense emotions.

"My bedsheets are ablaze

I've screamed his name

Building up like waves

Crashing over my grave

Without ever touching his skin

How can I be guilty as sin?"

Guilt and shame are strong emotions that can dominate our recovery journey. This verse shows the intensity of unspoken desires and the inner turmoil they create. When Taylor talks about bedsheets on fire and waves crashing, it shows how overwhelming these feelings can be. This vividly describes my own struggles with guilt and shame, where the intensity of my emotions feels almost unbearable.

Bridge

"What if I roll the stone away?

They're gonna crucify me anyway

What if the way you hold me

Is actually what's holy?"

Finding meaning and acceptance in our experiences is crucial in recovery. When Taylor talks about rolling the stone away and facing judgment, it shows the courage it takes to be vulnerable. Recognizing the sanctity in our connections and experiences helps us find peace. Understanding that our internal struggles, not just our actions, shape our feelings of guilt and shame can be a powerful step towards healing. This encourages me to embrace my journey and find strength in my vulnerability.

This part of the song shows the conflict between our desires and what society expects.

If long suffering propriety

Is what they want from me

They don't know how you've haunted me

So stunningly

I choose you and me religiously”

This part of the song shows the conflict between our desires and what society expects. In recovery, we often face judgment from others, but our experiences and feelings are our own. Taylor’s haunting desires can feel both sacred and forbidden, challenging us to accept these parts of ourselves. This speaks to my own journey of trying to reconcile my inner desires with external expectations.

In recovery, we often face judgment from others, but our experiences and feelings are our own.

"He sent me 'Downtown Lights'

I hadn't heard it in a while

My boredom's bone deep

This cage was once just fine

Am I allowed to cry?"

Navigating emotional turmoil is a big part of our recovery journey. When Taylor mentions "Downtown Lights" and the deep boredom, it shows a longing for something more while feeling trapped. When she asks, "Am I allowed to cry?" It reflects the struggle to let ourselves feel and express emotions. This resonates deeply with me, as I often question if it's okay to feel and show my true emotions.

Navigating emotional turmoil is a big part of our recovery journey.

Feeling connected to this reflection? Join us for our next Swift Steps meeting where we explore the emotional challenges of growth, love, and recovery. Our community is here to support you.

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