"Question…?” from Midnights
"Question...?" captures exactly how ruminating thoughts can hold you hostage. The endless loops of asking yourself "questions" is so relatable to anyone who’s ever been stuck in their head, replaying every little moment like it’s a bad movie they can’t turn off. Questioning every decision, every move, every word. This song is a reminder that ruminating thoughts will keep you stuck if you let them, and the only way out is to stop giving them the power to keep running the show.
"Illicit Affairs" from Folklore
This song breakdown is about the affair I had with my addiction—the intoxicating pull, the lies I told myself, and the parts of me I gave away without even realizing it. It reminds me of the time I lost to that betrayal—the promises broken, the lines crossed, the pieces of my life that scattered like shattered glass.
But it also reminds me of the strength it took to come back, to face the wreckage and start rebuilding. Addiction breaks you into a million little pieces, but recovery is about picking up each one, no matter how sharp or painful, and putting yourself back together again. It’s messy, it’s hard, and it’s worth every single step.
"The Black Dog" from TTPD
This song delves deep into the complex emotions tied to my affair and its aftermath, revealing how intertwined love, betrayal, and guilt have been in my journey. The lyrics echo the ongoing struggle to reconcile the thrill of secrecy with the pain of betrayal and the challenge of rebuilding trust in my marriage. Through this reflection, I see how the remnants of that connection continue to impact me, even as I work to move forward. It’s a reminder of the enduring power of unresolved feelings and the importance of facing them head-on, no matter how difficult it may be. The song also underscores the need for self-compassion as I navigate the path to healing and strive to reclaim my sense of self in the wake of such deep emotional turmoil.
"LOML" from TTPD
My husband was my rock, supporting me through the highs and lows of my addiction. He was a complex mix of emotions – hurt by my actions but still trying to stand by me. He told me countless times that I was the love of his life, and I believe he meant it. But the damage my addiction caused created a rift that words alone couldn’t heal. His steadfast support was both a blessing and a burden. It made me realize how deeply I had hurt him and how much I had taken for granted. Despite his reassurances, the pain and betrayal from my addiction were always there, a constant reminder of the trust I had broken.
“Guilty As Sin” from TTPD
Finding meaning and acceptance in our experiences is crucial in recovery. When Taylor talks about rolling the stone away and facing judgment, it shows the courage it takes to be vulnerable. Recognizing the sanctity in our connections and experiences helps us find peace. Understanding that our internal struggles, not just our actions, shape our feelings of guilt and shame can be a powerful step towards healing. This encourages me to embrace my journey and find strength in my vulnerability.
“Florida!!!” from TTPD
Using "Florida!!!" as a metaphor for escape is really powerful. Over the past year, I often felt like I was using distractions to escape the pain and confusion of my situation. It was a temporary refuge, much like how substances used to provide a fleeting escape during my active addiction.
This verse captures the recklessness and self-destruction I felt during my lowest moments. Confronting my personal demons and feelings of abandonment, I often found myself isolated, trying to cope in unhealthy ways. The ghosts of my past were always present, reminding me of the unresolved pain I carried.