"The Black Dog" from TTPD
At Swift Steps, we use lyrics and songs to reflect on our own experiences with addiction, mental health, and recovery—both mine and our members.
This week's song struck a chord with many of us, leading to some amazing discussions and insights. I want to assure you that I will never share what our members discuss because of our confidentiality promises.
However, I do gather my own thoughts before the meetings, and I’m excited to share them with you each week!
“I want to assure you that I will never share what our members discuss because of our confidentiality promises.“
This week’s song is "The Black Dog" from TTPD.
If you wanna take a listen:
Verse 1
“I am someone who, until recent events
You shared your secrets with”
“Now, I’m left with the guilt of betraying my marriage and the pain of him walking away.”
This takes me back to the affair, when I was wrapped up in something that felt secret and thrilling between me and the man I had an affair with. I confided in him in ways I never did with my husband, and that trust made the betrayal cut even deeper. Now, I’m left with the guilt of betraying my marriage and the pain of him walking away.
Verse 2
“And your location
You forgot to turn it off”
Even now, reminders of him slip through the cracks. Seeing our shared notes app or our shared playlists on Spotify stung. I was feeling so heartbroken about him, while I was there, trying to make things right with my husband. It’s a connection I didn’t ask for but can’t seem to avoid, and it makes moving on that much harder.
Verse 3
“And so I watch as you walk
Into some bar called The Black Dog
And pierce new holes in my heart”
Knowing he was moving on while I was still dealing with the aftermath in my marriage felt like salt in an open wound. Every day he didn't reach out to me, it felt like another blow to the fragile peace I was trying to rebuild with my husband.
“Knowing he was moving on while I was still dealing with the aftermath in my marriage felt like salt in an open wound. ”
Chorus
“Old habits die screaming
I move through the world with the heartbroken
My longings stay unspoken
And I may never open up the way I did for you”
“The guilt was overwhelming, and it’s still exhausting trying to keep it all together and work through it all.”
This chorus speaks to the habits I developed during the affair—the secrecy, the thrill, the emotional escape. Those habits screamed at me as I tried to mend my marriage. I kept these longings for him buried deep because I knew they were dangerous, and I feared that I’d never be able to open up to my husband the way I did with him. The guilt was overwhelming, and it’s still exhausting trying to keep it all together and work through it all.
Verse 4
“And all of those best-laid plans
You said I needed a brave man
Then proceeded to play him
Until I believed it too”
He made me believe that he was what I needed, that my marriage was lacking something he could provide. I bought into it, letting myself be pulled away from the man I promised to love and be faithful to. But it was all a game to him, and then I was left to pick up the pieces of my marriage, trying to rebuild trust where I shattered it.
Bridge
“Six weeks of breathing clean air
I still miss the smoke
Were you making fun of me with some esoteric joke?”
Even after trying to move on, I found myself missing the chaos of the affair—the secrecy, the intensity. It was like a twisted part of me was still craving what was so wrong. The thought that he might have been playing me, that the whole thing was just some cruel joke, left me questioning everything.
Verse 5
“Now I want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes
And hire a priest to come and exorcise my demons
Even if I die screaming”
This line reminds me of the desperation I felt to rid myself of everything that reminded me of the affair. I wanted to erase every trace of it from my life, but I knew that no amount of purging will take away the guilt or the hurt I caused. I was desperate for some kind of release, even if it was painful, because living with the consequences was unbearable at times.
“I wanted to erase every trace of it from my life, but I knew that no amount of purging will take away the guilt or the hurt I caused. ”
Final Chorus
“And I hope you hear it
And I hope you miss me
In The Black Dog
When someone plays The Starting Line and you jump up”
In the end, there’s still a part of me that hopes he thinks of me, that he misses what we had, even though it nearly destroyed me and it did destroy my marriage.
Conclusion
This song delves deep into the complex emotions tied to my affair and its aftermath, revealing how intertwined love, betrayal, and guilt have been in my journey. The lyrics echo the ongoing struggle to reconcile the thrill of secrecy with the pain of betrayal and the challenge of rebuilding trust in my marriage. Through this reflection, I see how the remnants of that connection continue to impact me, even as I work to move forward. It’s a reminder of the enduring power of unresolved feelings and the importance of facing them head-on, no matter how difficult it may be. The song also underscores the need for self-compassion as I navigate the path to healing and strive to reclaim my sense of self in the wake of such deep emotional turmoil.
Feeling connected to this reflection? Join us for our next Swift Steps meeting where we explore the emotional challenges of growth, love, and recovery. Our community is here to support you.
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