"LOML" from TTPD

At Swift Steps, we use lyrics and songs to reflect on our own experiences with addiction, mental health, and recovery—both mine and our members.

This week's song struck a chord with many of us, leading to some amazing discussions and insights. I want to assure you that I will never share what our members discuss because of our confidentiality promises.

However, I do gather my own thoughts before the meetings, and I’m excited to share them with you each week!

“I want to assure you that I will never share what our members discuss because of our confidentiality promises.“

This week’s song is "LOML" from TTPD.

If you wanna take a listen:

Verse 1

“These lines capture the cyclical nature of addiction, where despite knowing the risks, the familiarity draws you back in. ”

"Who's gonna stop us from waltzing"

"Back into rekindled flames?"

"If we know the steps anyway"

These lines capture the cyclical nature of addiction, where despite knowing the risks, the familiarity draws you back in. For me, addiction was like a dance I knew all too well.

Every attempt to break away felt like a step in that familiar waltz, constantly tempted to return to those rekindled flames. My marriage mirrored this dance. My husband and I kept returning to the same unresolved issues, hoping that this time things would be different. It was like being stuck in a loop, unable to escape the gravitational pull of our past. This familiarity, while comforting in its predictability, was also our downfall, because it kept us from truly moving forward and healing.

“It was like being stuck in a loop, unable to escape the gravitational pull of our past. ”

Verse 2

"We embroidered the memories"

"Of the time I was away"

"Stitching, 'We were just kids, babe'"

Looking back, I often romanticize the early days of my relationship with my husband. Before addiction took hold, life seemed simpler and full of promise. Those early memories are stitched into my mind as a time of innocence and love, a stark contrast to the chaos that followed. We were young and hopeful, unaware of the storm that was coming. These memories, though cherished, also bring a feeling of sadness because they remind me of what was lost. The contrast between the past and the present is stark and painful, because it reminds me of the potential that was squandered by my addiction.

“The contrast between the past and the present is stark and painful, because it reminds me of the potential that was squandered by my addiction.”

Verse 3

"I said, 'I don't mind, it takes time'"

“The time and effort I put into recovery and rebuilding our marriage sometimes felt like it was futile.”

"I thought I was better safe than starry-eyed"

I tried to approach my recovery and my marriage with patience, believing that being practical was better than having unrealistic expectations. I told myself that it was better to be cautious than to be overly optimistic and risk failing.

Even with this mindset, the reality was that the damage from my addiction ran deep. It affected every aspect of my life and my relationship. The time and effort I put into recovery and rebuilding our marriage sometimes felt like it was futile.

Chorus

"I felt aglow like this"

"Never before and never since"

"If you know it in one glimpse, it's legendary"

The initial high of addiction was unlike anything I had ever felt. It was powerful and consuming, like the first moments of falling in love. These legendary feelings, both with my addiction and in my relationship, left a lasting impression. The euphoria of my addiction was seductive, making me feel invincible and alive. In my marriage, the early days were filled with a similar intensity, a connection that seemed unbreakable. But chasing that high, whether through drugs or trying to recapture the magic of our early days, ultimately led to devastation. The pain of losing such intensity is profound, as it feels like losing a part of oneself.

Verse 4

"You and I go from one kiss to getting married"

"Still alive, killing time at the cemetery"

"Never quite buried"

Our relationship did progress very quickly, from one kiss to marriage. But even after recovering, the memories of my addiction and the pain it caused were never fully buried. They lingered like ghosts, haunting our attempts to have a redo. My husband and I were alive, but our relationship felt like it was stuck in a cemetery, where the past was never quite laid to rest. The remnants of my addiction and the damage it caused were always there, just beneath the surface, affecting every interaction and making it hard to move forward. It was like trying to build a future on a foundation that was fundamentally cracked.

“It was like trying to build a future on a foundation that was fundamentally cracked.”

Chorus

"In your suit and tie, in the nick of time"

"You lowdown boy, you stand up guy"

"Holy Ghost, you told me I'm"

“His steadfast support was both a blessing and a burden. It made me realize how deeply I had hurt him and how much I had taken for granted.”

"The love of your life"

"You said I'm the love of your life"

"About a million times"

My husband was my rock, supporting me through the highs and lows of my addiction. He was a complex mix of emotions – hurt by my actions but still trying to stand by me. He told me countless times that I was the love of his life, and I believe he meant it.

But the damage my addiction caused created a rift that words alone couldn’t heal. His steadfast support was both a blessing and a burden. It made me realize how deeply I had hurt him and how much I had taken for granted. Despite his reassurances, the pain and betrayal from my addiction were always there, a constant reminder of the trust I had broken.

Verse 5

"Who's gonna tell me the truth"

"When you blew in with the winds of fate"

"And told me I reformed you"

The promises I made to change often felt like empty words, even to myself. The winds of fate – the unpredictable nature of addiction and recovery – made it hard to trust in the permanence of any change. Despite being in recovery for seven years, it doesn't mean everything goes back to what it was like before. The uncertainty and doubt created a barrier between us, making it difficult to fully trust and move forward. Every step forward felt precarious, as if it could all come crashing down at any moment.

Verse 6

"When your impressionist paintings of Heaven"

"Turned out to be fakes"

"Well, you took me to hell, too"

The dreams we had for a happy life together turned out to be fakes, replaced by the harsh truth of the damage my addiction caused. The pain and disappointment were profound, because we realized that the life we had envisioned was nothing more than an unattainable dream.

Verse 7

“Addiction promised a quick fix, a way to feel better instantly, but it was a con. The hole it left in my life was profound. The high of addiction came at the cost of a deep, lasting emptiness.”

"And all at once, the ink bleeds"

"A con man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme"

"But I felt a hole like this"

"Never before, and ever since"

"If you know it in one glimpse"

"It's legendary"

Addiction promised a quick fix, a way to feel better instantly, but it was a con. The hole it left in my life was profound. The high of addiction came at the cost of a deep, lasting emptiness. The was something I had never experienced before and something that would stay with me long after I stopped using. It was a constant reminder of what I had lost – my sense of self, my trust, and ultimately, my marriage. The promises of quick relief turned into a long-lasting pain that seemed impossible to fill.

Verse 8

"What we thought was for all time"

"Was momentary"

"Still alive, killing time at the cemetery"

"Never quite buried"

What my husband and I thought would last forever turned out to be fleeting. Our love, once vibrant, was now a memory we couldn’t fully let go of. The dreams we had were now haunting reminders of what could have been. It was like living in a constant state of mourning, unable to fully let go and unable to fully live.

Verse 9

"You cinephile in black and white"

"All those plot twists and dynamite"

"Mr. Steal Your Girl, then make her cry"

Addiction brought drama and chaos into our lives, much like a film filled with unexpected twists and explosive moments.

Verse 10

"You talked me under the table"

"Talking rings and talking cradles"

"I wish I could un-recall"

"How we almost had it all"

We had dreams of a future together – saving at-risk dogs, fostering older children, and a life filled with love and putting good out into the world. But my addiction derailed those dreams. I often wish I could forget how close we came to having it all, only to lose it because of my actions. The regret of what we could have been is a constant reminder of the life we lost.

“But my addiction derailed those dreams. I often wish I could forget how close we came to having it all, only to lose it because of my actions. ”

Feeling connected to this reflection? Join us for our next Swift Steps meeting where we explore the emotional challenges of growth, love, and recovery. Our community is here to support you.

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